Mama seems to be slowly going downhill. She seems strong, but she is having great difficulty swallowing. Martha has been with her six out of eight days. She said at times she has had to lay her down to get her to swallow. And, believe me, we try everything. Sandra ordered thickening for her fluids, and Martha said it has made no difference. It really worries me. Martha talked to me on her way home last night telling me about her desperate pleas to God for Mama to be able to swallow and not go thru that. But, she seems to slowly be getting to that point. I cry as I type this. I cry for Mama--that sweet, gentle, delicate soul going thru this terrible world of alzheimers disease. We think maybe she is not sleeping well and it affects her thinking. I don't know.
The other day I read something profound that Martha had written in Mama's Journal. If you are squeemish about anything, PLEASE do not read this. Oh, and I am leaving out the name, because this person is a dear friend to us.
X came to visit and Mama had diarrhea. As sweet as it is for everyone to love Mama, company always makes it difficult! She is more distracted & doesn't cooperate as well when someone comes, family included!! I tried to subtly mouth to X that Mama had diarrhea and I was sorry it may take a while. It did take a while! We sang "Glory to His Name" while she finished & I got her clean again. By the time we made it back to the living room, X had to leave. They hugged us all. X told Mama how much she loves her & misses her & Mama would reply "Thank You!" I just looked @ Mom after they left trying to see her the way they see her. So very sad!! I could tell X was very sad about Mama. We see through such carnal eyes! I know this is not our home. We were made to be with Jesus someday. I am constantly praying & trying to improve life for Mama here & I think that's great. I just have to remember what I know Mama's goal is. And that is to be with Jesus! X thanked me for taking such good care of Mama. She says something that always bothers me tho'. She says she is not a caregiver & she admires us for taking care of Mama. One thing I have learned going thru this w/Mama. Taking care of Mama doesn't require qualifications or expertise. It just takes effort, patience, & a lot of love. Anybody can do it! Few people choose to. I'm thankful for the desire God gives me to try my best, even when lots of times I am sorely lacking!!
I read this poem to Martha that Mymanyblessings posted on her blog. She cried as I have, seeing my mom thru the words. It was supposedly written by a man in a nursing home in Australia. They found it in his possessions after he passed away. I am going to repost it, in honor of Mom.
Cranky Old Man......
What do you see nurses?.......What do you see?
What are you thinking...............when you're looking at me?
A cranky old man,.....................not very wise,
Uncertain of habit......................with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles his food.............. and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice...'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice...........the things that you do.
And forever is losing...................his sock or shoe?
Who, resisting or not...................lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding............the long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?........Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse......you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am.......................As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding.................as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of Ten................with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters.....................who love one another
A young boy of Sixteen................with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now..............a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty..............my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows..............that I promised to keep.
At Twenty-Five, now......................I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide................a secure happy home.
A man of Thirty...............................My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other.....................With ties that should last.
At Forty, my young sons...............have grown and are gone,
But my woman is beside me........to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more,.......................Babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children.............My loved one and me.
dark days are upon me..............My wife is now dead.
I look at the future.........................I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing......young of their own.
And I think of the years................And the love that I've known.
I'm now an old man.....................and nature is cruel.
It's jest to make old age...............look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles.................grace an vigour depart.
There is now a stone..................where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass..........A young man still dwells,
And now and again....................my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys....................I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living.............life over again.
I think of the years, all too few....gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact............that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people.......open and see.
Not a cranky old man.................Look closer
see...............................................Me!!
I am well known in my extended family for taking pictures and putting them on my blog. He wouldn't let me. "shaking my head" 